My Dad is a painful memory of my past. Do I invite him to my wedding ?
September 30th, 2009
magerrima asked:
My father is an alcoholic person who only brought pain and sadness to our family. My parents had an awful divorce 10 years ago. My brother lives with my dad, so if I invite only him, he won’t go because of my father. If I don’t invite neither my brother nor my dad, my mom won’t go because of my brother.
However, my mom already said that she will not sit on the same table as my dad, in case he’s invited.
My father is an alcoholic person who only brought pain and sadness to our family. My parents had an awful divorce 10 years ago. My brother lives with my dad, so if I invite only him, he won’t go because of my father. If I don’t invite neither my brother nor my dad, my mom won’t go because of my brother.
However, my mom already said that she will not sit on the same table as my dad, in case he’s invited.
This is so confusing ! Please help !
Another point to consider is that I decided that I will walk down the aisle by myself. If he’s invited and goes to the party, he will be for me just like any other guest. It sounds bitter, but even 10 years later I can barely look at his face. In the other hand I’d be self conscious if I don’t invite him at all to my wedding.
Am I contradicting myself ? Did anybody go through a similar situation ?
This has been harder to decide than the gown of my dreams !
Sign Language For Babies And Beyond
September 30th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Does your dad still drink??? Do you want your wedding day ruined if he cannot control his drinking??? I would think about that. He may not be drunk for the wedding, but he will be for the reception.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:44 am
Why not, soon your marriage will be a painful memory of your past. The way your family has broken up after marriage should be some indication of how marriage can ruin people’s lives. I say call of the marriage and stay single and happy until death do you part!
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
If you don’t want to invite him, don’t… I never invited my parents to my wedding…
October 4th, 2009 at 9:29 am
i would not invite him, but send him a note letting him know why. but be nice about it. and i think you need to talk to someone about this issue,
October 5th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Yes, show that you are mature…Forgive and Forget, especially because Marriage is a symbol of a new life with you and your hunny…plus you might feel guilty if you didnt invite him… and wonder what if…I would talk to him about it as well.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:16 am
One thing you need to remember- this is your wedding. You invite who ever you feel comfortable inviting. Do you plan on having an open bar? If so, you may take that into consideration with inviting your father. My fiance’s had problems with both his brother and sister, we’re getting married in July and he’s asked me not to invite them. Do what you feel comfortable doing- it’s the happiest day of your life!!
October 9th, 2009 at 12:37 am
If he will detract from your big day, don’t invite him. You only get married once…theoretically. But, it will probably ruin your day not to have your brother and mom there, so maybe you should just let him come, and hope for the best
October 9th, 2009 at 7:23 am
dont invite him…. you said you cant even look at him…
October 12th, 2009 at 3:33 am
If I were you, I honestly woud not invite him, especially for everything that he did, bring pain and sadness to you family. But, if you feel he should be there, then invite him, but i wouldn’t. Ask you grandfather to go, or you can ask your mom, i’ve seen that happen. Do what you think is right.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:22 am
i come from the same background as you… When my sister got married… she had my brother walk her down the aisle and my dad sat at a table with his family members and my mom at a table with hers… it is ok to feel that way about your dad… but someday you need to get over it and move on… your bitterness towards him could cause issues in your own marriage… Just keep everyone at your wedding separated and all should work out fine. it is your day! do not let any of them take that away from you!
October 15th, 2009 at 12:10 am
You’re soon to be a happily married woman, this is the time to let th epast be the past and move forward.
Invite your father, seat them separately if needs be, but at different sides of you, do not push him into the corner. Give him the chance to be the father you wanted by having a day to be proud and see his daughter walk down the aisle.
And remember this is your day, tell family/guests that the day is for you, not for arguments about the past.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
You are normal to have these feelings. It is your mother and your brother who are doing wrong in imposing whom you should invite.
If I were you I’d just invite the brother and mother… then my brother is open to decide to come or not without your father. You don’t have to be guilty about it if he does not come. You should take it then as your brother prefers to be with a drunkard.
Your mother also should not interfere! If you want your father at your wedding and you want him on the same table as her, she should shut her mouth up and wait for the reception to end for your own good.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
just do it for your brother and mother just because he’s there doesn’t mean you have to talk to him
October 21st, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Invite only those who will make you happy and who truly share with you the person you are today.
Love of a parent is usually unconditional. YOU do what YOU want to do. Don’t let any family member tell you that they won’t come if so and so is there. That’s ridiculous.
Seat conflicting family members at different sides of the church. Do away with the bride side and the groom side. That’s a silly tradition. Let the ushers seat people wherever to fill up the church.
At the dinner… have a table for you and the groom and the immediate wedding party. Have a table for your mom and the relatives she does like. As well as a table for your dad, brother and relatives that like them, etc.
It can be done. Don’t let anyone of them stress YOU out. Tell them that this is YOUR day not there’s and you’ve invited who you wanted and made arrangements for everyone to be comfortable. IF that’s not enough for them, tell them you are sorry that they will miss out on this special day for you.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I have recently faced this on a smaller scale this past Thanksgiving. My policy is that I am always to remain neutral. It’s not up to me to dictate who is, and who is not to be able to come together (in my opinion.) Don’t put yourself in a situation where you have to be the one to decide to turn someone away. Let everybody else make that decision on their own. If you don’t invite someone, because someone else is unhappy, you are letting that other person dictate your life. If it was completely up to you, and nobody else cared, would you invite him? If so, then I would proceed, if not, than the other outside influences wouldn’t have affected your decision anyway. You can’t cater to everyone. If other family members are not mature enough to tolerate someone, that’s their issue, not yours. Don’t worry about who’s going based on choices you make. Invite everyone, and let those that truly care about you regardless of the environment be with you on your special day.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:02 am
The secret here is that it is YOUR wedding day. You should do what makes YOU happy. If dad doesn’t make you happy or makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t invite him. You shouldn’t have to make excuses. Be yourself and enjoy your day. d:)
October 26th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Well, HE IS YOUR DAD, and HE IS STILL FAMILY, it’s really ur decision basically, if seeing him makes your mom hurt and you too, you still can invite them and keep them in a separate table, don’t forget, he’s still you’re dad, same blood, same saliva and he is one of the reasons why you are on this world. Now that you’re almost going to have another child into this world, I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if you’re son/daughter did that to you, would you?
So, juzt imagine yourself in his position, it muzt really hurt for him. Well, like I said it’s your choice, and only you can make your decision. But, I really can’t answer that, it’s your wedding, not mine… I’m juzt givin’ advice….
October 27th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Its YOUR wedding. Invite who you want to attend. No reasonable person has the right to demand you do otherwise. It is supposed to be your special day. If those you invite choose not to attend it is their choice but don’t let their unfair demands ruin your wedding.
I know its a hard choice to make but your invitations should be based on your desires for who is to attend, not because of other people’s pressures on you. They do not have the right to make those demands and are being very unfair to you.
October 31st, 2009 at 7:00 am
this is where you can have your bridezilla moment. if your mom, dad and brother see it fit to throw a tantrum, then in turn you get to say it is my day you will not ruin it. if you feel that way don’t come….it might hurt to do, but this isn’t a stress you should have to deal with. right now my sister is planning her wedding (it comes in 2 short weeks) and has had nothing but problems with the in-law side of the family and has asked my man and the groomsman to be security also, and if mom in law acts up like she does now, she’s being escorted out. to give you an idea of what she’s dealing with…her mother in law has told her son (my brother in law) he’s the scum of the earth, and that he has to choose my sister or his family etc. so it’s not been easy and it’s taken out on the rest of us…..but as long as she’s happy that is all that matters. so they have the invite, but there is a back up plan. so maybe if anything have a back up plan of a few close friends being security (like my sister is doing) and at the first sign of drama, they will be gone!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:08 am
This is a very difficult decision and you must consider your feelings foremost before going forward.
I guess one thing I wonder about is whether your father is in a program of recovery? If he is still actively drinking and has made no amends to you or anyone else in your family, for his behavior, then it is little wonder you carry a sense of anger, and resentment towards him. You did nothing wrong as a child and you deserved to have a father that protected you, loved you, and most of all served as a role model for you.
It is natural that you would have “mixed” feelings because he IS your father. 50% of his DNA rolls through you, and you are getting married. Every woman would want a loving, caring father by their side on their special day…but is it him? So being confused is natural, but you must, for your own serenity do what will make the day most pleasing to you. If you can “barely look at his face” do not let guilt be your guide on the most important day of your life. You have the opportunity to break the cycle of addiction in your life, and starts by loving yourself enough to say NO…no I do not condone or support your behavior. No I will not allow the most important day of my life be marred by having a person in the room, even if he is my father, to remind me of an ugly past.
Most of all forgive yourself. Allow yourself to let go of things and people who no longer serve the person you have become and are becoming. It does NOT mean you cannot forgive him, but you must hide your forgiveness so you enter into the new phase of your life with optimism and love.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Hey dear thats really confusing ….but not to worry …..
so many friends have really gave u a nice advice ……..!
I am too small to deside ….
but i wish that may ur wedding be the most cheering day for u.
n may god bless u n ur wife
Jenniferz … has undergone the same situation .so u may follow her…….
Best of Luck ! Have a nice n long marriage life !
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
My wife was in a similar situation. Its all up to you, and everyone should respect your decision. Your family boycotting is ridiculous and selfish on their part. This is your day! This will be a very emotional day, and you don’t need family drama added to the mix. If you don’t want to invite your father, i wouldn’t balme you, but i would write a letter to him explaining. It would take a lot of heart and pain to do so, but your only speaking the truth. If he doesn’t understand, than that would probably help you understand why your not inviting him in the first place. If you do invite, he can be a regular guest, or have his own row(s) for his family and friends, at the reception he can have his own table(s) that’s the way it was for us.
Remember its your day! Don’t be a jerk, but remember its your day, seek counsel
Lastly, Why are you getting married? I’m guessing becaue you love your husband. THis is about you guys, remember. I had lots of freinds and fam who couldnt make it, and they would say, Aww i wish we could come. My response was “I’ll be there, and thats all that matters!”
November 4th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
wedding is suppossed to be a joyous occassion. If anything that causes you to be unhappy or painfull leave that thing out.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:36 am
It is YOUR wedding, if you do not want to invite him, he is not invited.
I think it is silly that if he isn’t invited then your brother and mother will not go.
November 8th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
you need too know if he stop drinking for good and if he has sent a invatation out to him and if send one back saying sorry i loved to come but he got some thing else it saying he would like to be there but he busy and he being of you on your wedding day ok
but don’t persure him eg letting him walking you down the aisle coz it hard for him i think and weeding are for close family and friends on the so think bout it ok if you need email me ok at
November 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I say invite him and seat him at a guest table…maybe one with your aunts/uncles instead of the head table with your mom. Treat him politely, like you would any guest (always be a good host!), but don’t pretend a daughterly love you don’t feel.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I say invite him, but he needs to be treated as you say, like any other guest, no special seating, just there, simply to get your family members who are important to you to come, otherwise I would have said screw him. Don’t let anyone tell you you are wrong for considering not inviting him, he has hurt you and left scars that Im sure noone can understand that makes things more difficult. Good luck with this and congrats on the wedding!
November 13th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Neither of my fiance’s parents will be invited to our wedding next spring because of his mother’s behavior. It is nothing to do with his father, but I don’t feel I can invite him without her causing a scene. Go with your heart, it’s your big day.
November 14th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I chose not to invite my father or any of my family. My husband to be helped me decide like this…
Imagine that you have invited your father and are holding the RSVP in your hand. Turn it over. “Yes” is marked clearly. Are you happy and excited? If not, don’t invite him.
Just because someone is family, doesn’t mean having a relationship with them is necessary or healthy. You are starting a new stage of your life. Make a fresh start. Stop fretting about this and enjoy this exciting time.