How to deal with a FSIL and FMIL who drive you crazy?
September 29th, 2009
My future sister in law has made it VERY clear to me and my fiance that she hates me and would like nothing more than to see the two us break up and not get married. That being said she has made several comments to my fiance and the rest of his family (but never to me directly) about us not asking her to be in the wedding. My future Mother In Law actually called the other night and yelled at my fiance because we are not going to let his sister be in the wedding!! So he explained to her (for the millionth time) why we are not asking her (because she hates me, does not support our relationship, and he is not even close to her). His Mom even said that his Sister told her that even if we did ask her she would probably say no but she still would like to be asked?!?! How does that even make sense?!?! His Sister even told him this at a family function. So my fiance and I sat down and wrote her a long email (from his email account) explaining why we are not asking her to be in the wedding. The reasons were all based around the fact that she does not like me, that she does not want us to be together, she has been nothing but rude to me and gone out of her way to hurt me, and she has tried SEVERAL times to ruin my relationships with MY friends and her family by spreading lies and rumors. She never responded to us but told her Mother that her and my fiance are blood and therefor their relationship should mean more to him then ours (aka she should get her way!!) We have put our foot down and we are not changing our mind but I do not want to hear about this for the next year!! How do I make her and his Mother understand that she is not getting her way???? I think that may be part of the problem his entire family caters to her and is always babying her so she does not get “upset”. The only thing that she can ever say about me when someone ask why she does not like me is that “I think I am better than her and everyone else”. I am a pretty humble person and I also have pretty low self esteem so I am not sure where she gets that from. My FFIL said that he thinks it’s just because she is jealous of me. I went to college, I have a successful career, I own my own home, and I have a lot going for me at the age of 23 (all of which I worked VERY hard for!!) and since she is 28 and dropped out of high school, can’t hold a job, has never had a license or car she is jealous and is just trying to make me look bad so she can feel better about herself…..this is coming from her own Father!! I don’t think it is my job to make her feel better about herself also I don’t think she really wants to be in the wedding she just wants to win this “battle” (which she is Not going to) so she can get her way and be right!! Is it REALLY wrong of me to not want someone who openly HATES me to not be in my wedding?!?!
As if that isn’t enough!!…….
My Future Mother in Law has not been a cup of tea either. First of all she complained to my fiance’s ex fiance about me. She said that I was making this wedding way bigger than it should be and she does not understand why I want my SECOND wedding to be so big???? Um Hello!! When was my FIRST wedding?!?! She also complained about the amount of money that we are spending on the wedding (we as in my fiance and myself). So I finally said something to her after my fiance’s ex came to me with all of this. I told her I was never married before…I am only 23!! She was like oh well I thought you were that’s what I have always told people (great…thanks!!) then I asked why she cared how much we spent on the wedding. I am the one paying for it and I am the one who took on a part-time job in addition to my full time job to be able to have our dream wedding without having to change our standard of living. She was like well I just think it is dumb and you should just do something small. I feel like screaming well the next time you write a check to a vendor you can decided what we do but until then please keep your opinions to yourself and also could you refrain from discussing OUR wedding with his ex…thanks. But since I was raised better than that I just smile and nod and go home to cry. I have tried to involve her in the planning as much as possible but she always has “other things” to do. For a little while she was taking care of her dying Mother so I understood but she has passed and there are still excuses why she can never make it. Then when I try to involve her with planning stuff like this is the hall we picked or we are doing this she gets all cranky and tells me what a horrible idea it is!! I am trying to be nice and let her be apart of this since my fiance is her only child who will probably ever get married (his Sister has been engaged for 7 years and has no desire to get married and his Brother is gay) but she is making it REALLY hard!! She never wants to be apart of anything but then has the nerve to call and yell at my fiance about his Sister not being in the wedding and telling him that he should ask his Brother (who he hardly talks to) to be his best man (his IS a groomsmen however). My fiance told her he is asking his father (his parents divorced 27 years ago) to be the best man…..that did not go over well either. I honestly think she hates me as much as his Sister but when my fiance ask why she dislikes me and why she does these things she cries and says that she loves me and she knows I am the best thing that has ever happened to him!! UGH!! These people are driving me crazy!!!!
I don’t know who to deal with this. At first I though it would all go away over time but we have been engaged for 6 months and every few weeks it’s the same thing. I just can’t take it anymore!! If it was not for my family and the rest of his family (which I absolutely LOVE) I would just say forget it and elope!!
Sorry this is sooooooo long but I REALLY needed to vent!!
Thank you to everyone that responded!!:) I am very appreciative of all of the great advice. I know this is something I need to learn to deal with now before there are children involved (his mother has already started complaining about everything we have mentioned like names we like, how to raise them, how many we want, etc. and we are not planning on getting pregnant for another 2 years!!) I know I have my hands full with the both of them but I am grateful that my fiancé is comfortable with standing up to them and putting them in their place (although it still always comes back on them blaming me!!). I would not be able to handle this if it was not for him!!…..I am REALLY lucky to have someone as great as him!! I think I just need to take control and say this is OUR day so thanks for your input but no thanks and if you don’t like our decisions that is something YOU are going to need to learn to deal with.
Yessi H – Yikes!! and I thought I had it bad!! I totally think you win the “Craziest Mother In Law Award” lol. I am sure we could both go on for DAYS with stories of the crazy things they have done to us!! I hope you have a beautiful and fabulous wedding day!!:)
Sign Language For Babies And Beyond
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:52 am
Whoa. You need to shorten this question big time.
No one will read the whole lot.
Shorten it and re-submit and I’ll have a look then!!!!!!!
October 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
You owe nothing to either of them if they continue to be this rude to you. If she loves her brother she should try to be nice to you or at least stop talking smack about you. It’s good that your fiance has stood up for you. They will probably give you a hard time or make comments about it till the day of or even after but that is their perrogative. If I were you I would move far away from them after the wedding, can you imagine his MIL dictating how you raise your children? It would be a nightmare. In the end it is your wedding and you have worked hard to get where you are and to have your dream wedding. You are not being a bridezilla, all of your concerns are understandable. I would not let her be in my wedding either, sounds to me like she would purposely try to sabatoge.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
This is the best place to vent!!!
If i could not come on here to get advice or just to have a good old moan the wedding would have been off! We’d have rowed so much!
I feel really sorry for you in the respect you cant do right for doing wrong. Hard as it is just focus on the reason why your planning it in the first place… Least your fiance and FFIL are talking sense.
You can see where his sis gets it from!
I wouldnt bother trying to include his mother any more. Let him deal with her… hes had more practise!
Dont be ashamed of being a success… Hold your head up high and be proud of all you have achieved through your own hard work.
Bear all this in mind when you have kids too… you want them to turn out like you… not grandma or drop out aunt. Not too much baby sitting time for them lol
Try your best to let it all go over your head… cry as much as you need to… its a great release.
Good luck xxxxxxxxxx
PS hope this answers not too long
P
October 10th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I’m getting married next week, and I thought I had a FMIL and FSIL from hell, but I think yours come pretty close to matching mine. Just to tell you a piece of my story, my fiance is one of two children (he and his sister) and the oldest… and the only one to ever get married ( his sister has been lving with her fiance for a year, but they break up every other month, so that is never going anywhere.) On my birthday last year, my fiance booked us trip to Brazil ( a place I’ve always wanted to go!) and his mother FAKED a nervous breakdown, so instead of flying down south for my birthday celebration, he took off the day of my birthday to Michigan to be with Mommy… for Christmas, my parents wanted us to spend it with them, since it was the last x-mas I would spend at home… well, his mother called my mother, dramatic as heck, crying telling her that she is trying to steal his little boy and replace her ( b/c we had dinner with my parents on X-mas DAY! , when we were flying up to see them for New Years!) You should email me, we should compare stories! =) At least you know you aren’t alone….
October 13th, 2009 at 8:51 am
WELL SINCE I HAD THE TIME, I READ THE WHOLE THING. YOU SURE NEEDED TO VENT. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THRU THIS, AND GO YOU FOR BEING SUCCESSFUL AND OWNING YOUR OWN HOME. YOU MUST NOT BE IN CALIFORNIA, BUT ITS OK YOU STILL OWN YOUR OWN HOME. JUST DON’T CALL THE MIL TO HELP WITH PLANNING SHE DOESN’T WANT TO, AND SHE WILL HAVE TO JUST STOP BEING SO RUDE AND SMILE AND BE HAPPY AT THE WEDDING!! AS FOR THE FSIL, THERE IS ONLY SO MANY WORDS I CAN SAY. GOOD LUCK WITH HER!! SO SAD WHEN THERE SO JEALOUS! JUST HOLD YOUR GROUND, DON’T HAVE HER IN THE WEDDING, AND YOUR FIANCE NEEDS TO TELL HER SOMETHING VERBALLY IN PERSON, WHO CARES IF SHE CRYS!!!
October 16th, 2009 at 3:32 am
Oh my,
What needs to happen – dig in your heels! they are not going to ruin your life – yes, they are jealous of you and your successes! And you are taking your mother-in-laws baby boy away! she will resent you!
What i will suggest is when ever there is a confrontation about what you “should” be doing (although -they come across as telling you) simply say, “thanks for the suggestion but i will do it the way me and fiance have decided, but if that fails, we will take your suggestion into consideration”
1 – you refer to him as your fiance (not son or anything…it lets them know that he is not only their son/brother anymore)
2. what they say – you have politely brushed off (no one can blame you for being rude)
3. You have created a dividing line that you and soon to be hubby have become a separate unit – that is independent from the rest of the family – so that what ever you decide – they are going to have to live with it and deal with it on their own terms.
You will have to do this a few times before they get the hint…it took mine 5 months before she backed off
October 17th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Go ahead and plan your dream wedding. If you get abusive phone calls, HANG UP ON THEM. Invite your MIL to be to be involved in planning but if she declines for whatever reason ask your mother or a bridesmaid to give you a hand if you need it. Then you have at least ASKED her to be involved and she can’t claim that she was left out. Finally, give that lovely fiance of yours a big hug and tell him how much you love him. You have stated your reasons for doing things the way you want them done now stick to your guns and try not to let these people spoil your day.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I read the whole thing.
I’m really sorry about your situation, but I think you already know whats happening. The father is right, she is jealous. And the mother is upset because A. her daughter is upset and B. she doesnt want to see her only child going into the arms of the woman who will take care of him the rest of his life. . . . a woman who is clearly more level headed and well off than she is or ever was.
They dont feel comfortable around you because they dont understand you. They live a different life.
It’s really all it comes down to. There’s nothing you can do about the sister. You will hear about it for the next year no matter what you do. Even if you let her get her way, she’d talk about it still with an “Can you believe they didnt want me to be in the wedding at first?” attitude. So unfortunately, you’re gonna have to deal with that. Dont worry about it honey. Seriously, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. Write them off for now, you can only dedicate so much of your time and energy to people – and you should be giving all of it to people who are positive influences in your life.
Good luck, and congratulations!
October 21st, 2009 at 5:21 am
I read the hole thing! I think you should stop trying to make every one happy! Worry about what you and you soon to be wants! If your MIL shows no sign of wanting to take part don’t include her (save your sanity & less stress)! As for the FSIL Ignore her she only making a fool of her self and every one sees right through her! No need stoop to her level, just smile at her and be nice it will kill her! take my word on it (totally kills my SIL)
Best wishes and Good luck! Everything will be ok just remember it a day for you two an your the only ones that have a say in anything!
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:27 am
Sounds like my MOM and Family, They hate my brothers Fiance, but I deal with her. Your fiance’s family need’s to understand, that this is not their life/wedding and they need to leave you alone. You aren’t asking them for a D*** thing but support. His mother is probably afraid because she is losing her son and his sister seems to be a SH** starter and very jealous of you . I hope she isn’t twisted and wants her brother because that would be over the top extremely sick…. I say you love him and he loves you, so don’t let his mother and sister get to you. Because in the end you and him are each others family. If you are a Christian Woman Just read the bible, try: Ephesians – Chapter 5:31-33 . Good luck , and Best Wishes. I hope I helped. : < )
October 25th, 2009 at 7:28 am
You poor thing. I did read the whole thing. There are some things that are worth standing your ground on, and you do not have to give in on someone demanding to be in your wedding. Hang in there, and try not to let it get to you. I’m sure you’re extremely bothered by this but it also puts your fiance in the middle somewhat – so try not to fume for his sake. I’m sure it’s hurting to see you and his mother having so many problems.
The GREAT news is that he’s clearly on your side – that bodes VERY well for your future, dear! He sounds like a keeper, and his mother will come around, she will! It may take a few years but there will be a day when she will realize what a wonderful addition you have been to their family.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
That IS long, but I am going to go through it one paragraph at a time…
First of all, your FSIL has not right to bitch about a wedding she is not going to be in, when she doesn’t even support the wedding to begin with. What a hypocrite! My husband’s brother was engaged to this “b*tch” and he didn’t support the wedding. Then he was upset that his brother didn’t ask him to be a part of it. I had to tell what I just said above to him. He understood after that. If she said that she wants to support just your fiance, then have him say, that you two are a packaged deal. She can’t just support one of you guys. Either way, she would be standing on YOUR side…that doesn’t make sense if she doesn’t like you. Either way, your fiance should have spoken to her in person than on email. It’s kind of a “you don’t want to face her” thing. But you should just let her cool off. Don’t keep calling, emailing, or whatever with her. She could just want the attention. Just let her be. She’ll eventually come to terms…and if she doesn’t, then remind her again why she’s not a part of it. But don’t make the issue about her being jealous. You don’t know that for sure and you would be even more pissed if someone called you out like that when it’s not true. It sounds a little egotistical when you put that way.
As far as your fiance’s ex is concerned…ummm…why are you talking to her in the first place. She really needs to butt out since this is none of her business and has absolutely nothing to do with you. So what if this was your 50th wedding…she has no right of an opinion in general. Again, this is your fiance’s issue. HE needs to talk to his mother and tell her to butt out! If he refuses to do that, then he is not supporting YOU, his future wife. And if that be, then why are you marrying him. HE should be the one handling all these issues, not you. It’s HIS family that doesn’t like YOU, so HE should talk to them, not YOU kissing their *sses to be a part of their lives. Especially with the finances, if you two are paying for the wedding, they definitely have no right to complain about how much you two are spending. They aren’t forking out a dime, so why do they think THEY even get to have an opinion.
That all being said, why do you continue to involve them when you know they are just going to complain. I would not involve them in any more decision making and just send them the invites. If they ask why you aren’t asking for their “help” anymore, you straight out tell them that they constantly have a negative opinion and you don’t want to be around that. And you shouldn’t. There is a lot of things going on right now and the last thing you need is a negative person helping out in decisions for the best day of your life!!! Get me?
All and all, your husband needs to start supporting YOU a little better. The second his family starts talking negative to him about the girl he is marrying (you), he should just walk away. And he should keep doing that until they get the picture. Second, you really need to quit involving the part of his family that doesn’t like you. If you continue it, then you have no right to complain since you are bringing it upon yourself. Third…maybe you should elope and when you get back, then have a reception where both families can celebrate your marriage. I’ve known a couple people that have done this.
Good luck!
October 31st, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I think the very best thing you can do is to have as little contact with both of these women as you possibly can. If your FMIL asks you again why the FSIL isn’t in the wedding party, simply tell her “you know why” and leave it at that. If she persists tell her “I am not talking about this with you any more.” If she gives you anymore guff about the size and cost of the wedding, simply tell her that “we are paying for it, so we are doing what we want.”
Give her short answers that end the conversation…really there is nothing else you can do. You are going to have a hard time with them no matter what.
As for the FSIL – I would tell her, or have your Fiance tell her, that she is more than welcome to come to the wedding, but if she persists in causing trouble or does it at the wedding, she will be escorted out immediately…and have someone – a friend – be ready to do it if it needs to happen.
You can be polite to them while making sure that these types of conversations are nixed asap. ANd if they still don’t get it, get blunt with them. Eventually I think you are going to just have to put your foot down with the comments and have your fiance back you up with whatever decision you come up with.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Ok. So I read all of the first post and most of the second. Clearly, you have alot on your plate. They both sound like a pain in your ….
Honestly, if you are going to be married to your fiance, you are going to have to let some things go. Just ignore your future MIL by saying “Thank you for your thoughts,” then doing what you want anyway.
Second, you need to have your fiance speak to both of them privately and tell them to back off.
Third, minimize your contact with them. It will only make you more upset.
Fourth, consider getting your own therapist. Seriously. A therapist can help you to deal with their nuttiness.
Finally, congratulations and I hope things improve.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:56 am
Oh Sweetie, lol you really did need to vent..I hope it made you feel better…….
If faced with that situation I would elope, then throw a big party when I got back from my honeymoon or…..
..go about your business, continue to plan your wedding the way you & your guy want it to be and tune them out…I know it’s difficult but deveope a thick hide and a ‘Yes, dear…..” attitude, then do whatever the heck you want.
You see, you have no control over what people think…what people say…what people do….what you do have control over is how you re-act to it…or if you even re-act to it.
A duck let’s water roll off it’s back because the natural oil in the feather is waterproof…..you’ve got to learn to be like that duck…let all the BS roll off your back like water off a duck.
Don’t ask for advise…tell them this is what is going to be -when it’s set …..this is where the reception is…deposit’s already down….this is the what the bride’s maids are wearing…and the gowns have already been ordered…these are the flowers..florist already paid….etc…as each new thing is added don’t tell them until after it’s paid for and too late.
you’re gonna hafta develope a coping technique with these people..imagine what’ll be like when you have your first baby…have those skills in place now.
I will say this, your guy has a good set on him…most guys wuss out with their Mom’s good for him & you….and good luck.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Wow! Feel better for venting? Yes I read it all/You need a break from all this stress and have a day to yourself. go get pampered at a day spa, take some money and go,relax for a day, unwind. You need A Break.
Eloping for you came into my mind too, know what? you have tried and done so much , I was raised correctly, but know what, stand up to them, have your fiance by your side, hold your head up high and tell them that they can “kiss your @%#!*”. Sorry, my turn ro vent.You don’t need this, these two need to start respecting you and your wishes. Don’t give in, stand your ground and when it gets too bad, simply tell them, it won’t be the truth but just tell them, fine!! we’re getting married you both aren’t invited! And I don’t want to hear another word from either of you.
Stand your ground, with your future husband, and tell them, don’t give in to them, that’s what they want. Don’t let your FSIL even be in the wedding if she does a turn about, she may well sabotage it. Stand your girl!!!!!!!
November 5th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
I am sorry you are having to put up with all this BS when this is supposed to be a fun and happy time planning your wedding!
About the sister, I say STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Just totally don’t even give her another thought. Be nice to her when you have to speak to her but other than that don’t even think about her. She is clearly a spoiled selfish rude mean b!tch who thinks the whole world (and your wedding) revolves around her which it DOES NOT! You are doing the right thing by not having her as bridesmaid, she does in no way deserve to be asked. Just ignore her when she throws a tantrum. Pretend you don’t even hear it. You did the right thing by emailing her and explaining everything. The nerve of her to complain about not being asked when she doesn’t like you or support her brothers marriage is ridiculous! Don’t put up with it. Ignore her and she will get the message.
As for your FMIL just ignore her rudeness too. I can see you have tried hard to include her and she is being difficult on purpose to try and get sympathy so there is nothing you can do. Tell her you don’t appreciate her whle attitude and how she is ruining this whole experience for you and can she stop being so selfish and this is not about her, it is about you and her son!
Ask her to help with a few other things just so you can say you thoroughly tried but if she refuses just say ‘fine, whatever, I can do it on my own anyway’. If she gives you more bad opinions just say ‘sorry you don’t like it but that’s what we want so that’s what we are having’.
Both of these women are being difficult and selfish and rude on purpose so just say to them both ‘this wedding is going to happen no matter how much you protest and how rude and difficult you be so save your energy and just STOP!’.
Congratulations to you for being the MUCH bigger person! Hope it all works out and GOOD LUCK!
PS. You are so lucky to have such a great supportive fiance through this.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Wow, it’s like hearing my own story! LOL, my FSIL does NOT like me and my FMIL gets involved in EVERYONE’S business….grr. Been there girlie.
The best thing you can do is ignore them. Don’t have your FSIL in your wedding. Don’t explain why to your FMIL (hello, you already have 100 times!). You and your man stick by each other. When they start getting snippy or involved in YOUR GUYS’ wedding, just say “Oh don’t worry about it, John and I have it covered.” and ignore them.
Don’t give them power over you!
Good luck honey
November 11th, 2009 at 7:36 am
One thing….Don’t elope, why should their bitterness dictate what you do.