Afraid to plan my own wedding in fear it will ruin my relationship?
September 27th, 2009
California asked:
My fiancee and I just got engaged literally a week ago, and have barely started talking about when, where, and how we’re going to pay for the wedding. So far, we’ve only talked about who we want to invite, where we would *like* to have the ceremony, and parts about the reception. I want to add that none of these have been in depth conversations, just general ideas being thrown out there for the sake of it all.
Well we’re already arguing about the costs, how we’re going to get all the planning done, the honeymoon, etc. And now quite frankly, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore since every time we get to talking, it turns to arguing, which makes me believe that if we can’t even get into the planning stages civilly, how can we make it through the hard times in a marriage?
It’s going to be a very small wedding, I’m talking maybe 25 people. All but four being my family and friends. I’d like to invite more, but being on a “strict” budget, I have to stick to my close friends and immediate family. I know my fiancee could invite more people, but for some reason doesn’t want to, which I guess is fine (although weird to me?). So far, I’ve mentioned that I’d like to have the ceremony at the beach in my hometown, and he’s said he wants to get married by a pastor. We’ve also said that since there aren’t going to be many people, to just rent out a part of a restaurant and have the reception there where everyone can get what they want to eat, and would probably be cheaper than renting out a hall and getting caterers.
My fiancee says he doesn’t want to spend more than $1,000 for the whole thing, including the dress, cake, restaurant, paper work, the wedding rings, photographer, decorations and whatever else goes along with it. Personally, I don’t think we could do it all with that limited amount of money. I agree that we shouldn’t go in debt over this, but I also would like a nice wedding that I’ve dreamed about since I was little and I want it to be nice for my guests, plus my parents said they would help out with the finances as much as they could. For some reason though, he won’t take my parents’ help into account and is making it sound like getting married and planning the wedding has become a huge financial burden to him, kinda making me feel guilty for wanting a nice wedding, all while I believe it should be fun and bring us moreso together. Several times while conversation he has shot down my ideas, or made me feel silly for suggesting something that would cost too much or be too much work.
It makes me very sad and afraid that this is just the beginning of a long hard road, where I have to settle for less because my future husband is stern, uncompassionate, and doesn’t want to spend a little extra money so I can have a somewhat elegant wedding to him. I know I sound a little selfish, but it is also my day and I don’t want to sacrifice too much, or regret not doing it a certain way and later resenting my future husband. And I’m not talking about a $20,000 wedding, just enough for a “modestly nice” one.
Am I being unreasonable about this? Just to completely save money, effort, my relationship, and my sanity I am really considering just eloping in Reno and having a dinner afterward for my family and friends.
Any advice, words of wisdom, or similar stories? Thanks!
Pick The Gender Of Your Baby
My fiancee and I just got engaged literally a week ago, and have barely started talking about when, where, and how we’re going to pay for the wedding. So far, we’ve only talked about who we want to invite, where we would *like* to have the ceremony, and parts about the reception. I want to add that none of these have been in depth conversations, just general ideas being thrown out there for the sake of it all.
Well we’re already arguing about the costs, how we’re going to get all the planning done, the honeymoon, etc. And now quite frankly, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore since every time we get to talking, it turns to arguing, which makes me believe that if we can’t even get into the planning stages civilly, how can we make it through the hard times in a marriage?
It’s going to be a very small wedding, I’m talking maybe 25 people. All but four being my family and friends. I’d like to invite more, but being on a “strict” budget, I have to stick to my close friends and immediate family. I know my fiancee could invite more people, but for some reason doesn’t want to, which I guess is fine (although weird to me?). So far, I’ve mentioned that I’d like to have the ceremony at the beach in my hometown, and he’s said he wants to get married by a pastor. We’ve also said that since there aren’t going to be many people, to just rent out a part of a restaurant and have the reception there where everyone can get what they want to eat, and would probably be cheaper than renting out a hall and getting caterers.
My fiancee says he doesn’t want to spend more than $1,000 for the whole thing, including the dress, cake, restaurant, paper work, the wedding rings, photographer, decorations and whatever else goes along with it. Personally, I don’t think we could do it all with that limited amount of money. I agree that we shouldn’t go in debt over this, but I also would like a nice wedding that I’ve dreamed about since I was little and I want it to be nice for my guests, plus my parents said they would help out with the finances as much as they could. For some reason though, he won’t take my parents’ help into account and is making it sound like getting married and planning the wedding has become a huge financial burden to him, kinda making me feel guilty for wanting a nice wedding, all while I believe it should be fun and bring us moreso together. Several times while conversation he has shot down my ideas, or made me feel silly for suggesting something that would cost too much or be too much work.
It makes me very sad and afraid that this is just the beginning of a long hard road, where I have to settle for less because my future husband is stern, uncompassionate, and doesn’t want to spend a little extra money so I can have a somewhat elegant wedding to him. I know I sound a little selfish, but it is also my day and I don’t want to sacrifice too much, or regret not doing it a certain way and later resenting my future husband. And I’m not talking about a $20,000 wedding, just enough for a “modestly nice” one.
Am I being unreasonable about this? Just to completely save money, effort, my relationship, and my sanity I am really considering just eloping in Reno and having a dinner afterward for my family and friends.
Any advice, words of wisdom, or similar stories? Thanks!
Pick The Gender Of Your Baby
September 30th, 2009 at 10:10 am
You are definitely NOT being selfish. A thousand dollars is not going to make a wedding even if you bought the cheapest stuff you could find. He needs to realize what goes into the wedding. You should just make it a long engagement and save as much money as you can. And absolutely do NOT go to Reno. My brother and sister-in-law went there and now a year later she regrets it. She wishes she could have had a normal wedding. Good luck and I hope you get what you want!!
October 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 am
You write: where I have to settle for less because my future husband is stern, uncompassionate,
This worries me. You are already writing: “where I have to settle . . . ”
Don’t settle. If the man is already “stern and uncompassionate,” then do NOT marry him.
You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to live with stern and uncompassionate. You can say no. It is okay to say no.
If this relationship was going to work, he must realize that it is not all about him anymore. He has to learn to take another person’s needs and wants into consideration. If he cannot do that? Then don’t marry him.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:27 am
I didn’t read it all. I got to the part where you said you guys start arguing whenever you talk about it. Let me share some of my experience with you.
I have been engaged twice. Once where he left a few months before the wedding and now I am getting married in three weeks to someone else (who is much better).
With my first fiance, he didn’t want to talk about wedding plans. It was hard to work to get him to discuss a date. I found out the hard way that it was all because he didn’t really want to get married. He figured if he got engaged it would save our relationship for the time being, but that he didn’t really have to make the commitment.
My current fiance was very excited to start the planning. He proposed because he wants to marry me and he has no reason to be upset when it comes to it.
Tell your fiance that you feel guilty for wanting to plan the wedding. If he gets mad about it, then he probably isn’t the right guy. He may just not realize how it is effecting you and how you feel, though. If he is apologetic and sympathetic then you guys can talk and then start fresh with a new attitude.
Good luck!
By the way, I tried to do my wedding for around $1500… it’s nearly impossible. Being extremely modest with everything, we have ours done for about $3500.
October 7th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I can see not spending too much could be important, but $1000 for the whole thing IS too small of a budget. The rings alone are going to cost that much (and I’m talking basic rings) let alone reception and dress. You’re right in not wanting a $20000 if you can’t afford it. But a little increase in the budget could be worth while.
What I’d suggest is, write down a list of everything involved in the wedding and research the costs involved, then have a sit down and talk with him. Be reasonable about the research. And by that I mean, for example, a dress of your dreams that is affordable but not so that it’s from a charity store. Discuss with him thoroughly and reasonably about the realistic costs involved.
Good luck!
**Edit** If he is still being “unreasonable” and not willing to talk properly, then like the others said…he may not be “the one”. Tell him how he’s making you feel, he just might not realise it because he would be happy just signing the papers without the ceremony. Don’t make any rash decisions, but do have a think about it.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I have just the thing for you.
FOOD:
Instead of ordering a caterer, cater your own wedding with things like potato salad, ham salad, zucchini bread, barbecue. is there a cake maker in the family?
CLOTHING:
There is a really great website, called Craig’s list. Go to Craig’s list and see if there is one in your area. People are always selling wedding stuff in the clothing section. I’ve also seen wedding dresses at thrift shops, good will, etc…..When my mom got married, she bought the material for the brides maids, gave it to them and had them make it themselves or have them find some one to make it themselves. My mom made her own wedding dress. You can also rent a wedding dress or rent a tux.
Ushers:
Don’t use ushers. Let people sit where they want to at the Wedding, plus it cuts down on costs for their attire for the wedding.
Flowers: You can use fake or real. But I suggest using real for the throw bouquet. Go to Wal-mart, and go to the wedding section. Sunflowers also make great bouquets.
Decorations for the tables: When my cousin and his wife got married, instead of decorations they used Miniature jigsaw puzzles. And also as a free gift, they had cd’s made of their favorite love songs and gave them out.
Reception: you could have the reception in the basement of the church. This is where my mom had her’s and they used paper plates, etc… Or maybe you could have the reception at the local Armory, or Community Center. Maybe in a building at a park. remember, some of these places you will have to rent out, so use your free resources first. My cousin had his reception at the park in a building where him and his wife first met. I had a friend get Married in the local Armory building. If you plan an outside wedding tie ballons of your choice of colors to trees along with streamers.
Brides Maids and Best men: I would suggest having 2 or 3 of each. This is what my cousin did.
Pictures: When my cousins got Married, he didn’t have a professional wedding photographer. Everyone took their own pictures and digital pictures and they came out rather well.
Transportation ideas to the Reception: Maybe your honey could use a tractor, his first car/truck, or maybe someone in the family who has a really nice sporty car, that you 2 can drive off in.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
I think you have to sit back and reevaluate your relationship. Are the arguments because he doesn’t understand what things cost or that he doesn’t want to spend a penny more than what HE has decided should be spent?
On the one hand, you might have a guy like my Dad who thinks hamburger costs 3 pounds for a dollar (no idea what stuff costs). On the other hand, you might have a skinflint. Overall, a skinflint can make your married life a hell and I would say run, don’t walk, away from this guy.
For $1000, even with only 25 guests, that buys you the meal at the restaurant (typically $25-30/Head) and a dress and maybe a cake. It won’t include the rings, officiant, decorations, license and definitely not a professional photographer unless you choose to have studio photos done instead.
Don’t choose to elope. If you have decided to get married despite the ridiculously low budget, just have a courthouse wedding with parents and siblings present. Many parents are SO offended when their child runs off and gets married – they look forward to this day for years and then it is taken from them.
I DO plan to get married in Vegas, but as a destination wedding.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Hi! I recently went through a similar situation with my fiance. We got engaged in late July and are getting married in less than 2 weeks. (No, I am not pregnant!) He didn’t even want to tell anyone about the engagement for nearly 2 weeks because he wanted to have time for us to adapt to the idea and talk about some ideas before we had outside influence. This was very frustrating to me because I wanted to tell everyone right away! Up until the engagement, we rarely argued, but as soon as we got engaged it seemed that we were arguing constantly. And all the arguments started with talk of the wedding.
He wanted to elope; I wanted friends and family there. We finally agreed to have a very SMALL wedding, which he wanted to limit to 25 people! I also could not understand this because he has tons of friends and did not want to invite them! I should also mention that cost was not really an issue with us because we both have established careers, and our parents also wanted to contribute financially. Once we finally got some of the details planned out, he refused to set a date. He kept saying he wanted a “fall” wedding but did not seem to understand that fall was almost on us, and I needed time to plan! I finally backed off the wedding talk as hard as it was and gave him time to process all the information. After a lot of compromises, we are finally having a small wedding (though not as small as he wanted), and the arguing has stopped.
Good luck!
October 13th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Problems don’t get better because you marry them. You and your intended seem to have some very fundamental differences of opinion on financial issues and attitudes towards life that run a lot deeper than the cost of your wedding.
The fact that he makes you feel silly and makes you afraid to discuss your ideas about the wedding with him is a very bad sign. People who love each other have to respect each other, too, and if he respects you he shouldn’t make you feel silly. Even if he disagrees with you, he should listen to what you say with courtesy and respect.
Just my opinion, but I think that rather than thinking of running off to Reno and marrying your problems, you ought to tell your intended that you would like to put the date for your wedding back at least a year and see what he says. If you postpone the wedding date by a year, it does two things: it gives you and your intended a chance to really take a hard look at each other’s attitudes about life and see if you really are compatible, and on a practical level it gives you the chance to save money for a wedding more like you want. You ought to be able to save several thousand dollars towards a wedding in a year.
Why rush into something that could be a huge mistake? Take your time, plan carefully, if you think it would help, get premarital counseling or couples counseling. Rushing into marriage when you and your intended are having problems that arise from fundamental differences in attitude, and made worse by an apparent lack of respect, is just plain stupid. Go slow and get things right.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
You are not being unreasonable at all. I don’t see how 1k would cover hardly any part of a wedding. You are newly engaged, slow down and enjoy that. You have time to save and plan.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:09 am
First of all $1000 is an unrealistic budget for even 25 guests. The idea of having the reception at a restaurant is a good one, but cooking the food yourself would be slightly more economical. Even then you’re going to need more than $1k. I’m concerned that he’s shooting down your ideas and making you feel guilty for planning. That does not sound like a healthy relationship. You should sit down and make sure first that he really wants to get married, then you need to tell him how he’s making you feel. If he responds with a ‘that’s tough’ attitude, you need to consider if you’re willing to sacrafice your happiness to be with this guy. You’re not overreacting, you’re entitled to a nice wedding that it seems you’ll be able to afford (didnt see any outrageous requests on your end) since you’re parents will help and he’s being unreasonable to not try and give it to you. You should never feel you have to settle or cave in to anybody’s unreasonable demands, you will end up resenting him later.
Good luck
October 16th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
$1000 is pretty seriously low for a wedding ceremony and any kind of reception; does your fiance know what kind of numbers most weddings involve? If he’s just clueless, showing him “typical” prices for things, along with ideas for how to do it for a lot less, might help. For example, if you’re having a really small ceremony anyway, people might not mind having a potluck sort of reception, or just cake and punch. Can someone make the cake for you, so you don’t have to get it from a caterer? Are you willing to forgo the traditional wedding dress process? I got mine from ebay and loved it, for just $80 including alterations! Do you have a friend who likes taking pictures? Maybe (s)he’d take some of your ceremony if you compensated for materials etc.
Another idea is to have dinner with mutual friends who might be able to help your case – my husband was very anti-wedding-planning too, until a friend who he respects was talking about when she was planning her wedding, and he realized that no, it’s not just me, it’s many women, and reasonable ones at that! After that he was more understanding and willing to help.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I have been married for a long time. At first, I was very willing to go along with my husband’s decisions on everything. That gave him the feeling that he had the ability to have the last word on everything. That was my mistake. Arguing is not necessarily a bad thing.
If it takes some arguing to get him to realize that both of you have the right to have an equal say in each decision, well, that arguing is very much worth it. If the two of you with your parents’ generosity can afford a $5,000. wedding rather than a $1,000. wedding, then I would argue for that.
If the two of you with your parents’ generosity can only afford a $1,000. wedding, and you really want a more expensive wedding, well, I would suggest that you wait and save.
If after arguing this out, he still says that he is going to have veto power over every wedding decision, then you have found out that he is not the person you want to marry.
October 19th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Can your parents help you pay for this wedding? Ask them. Tell your fiance that the only way you will have a wedding at or under 1000 dollars would be if you had your wedding done by a justice of the peace and you have no reception.